💩DAY64: My Aggression turns me into an overthinker......

05-03-2026: Ramadan 15

Sometimes it takes only 10 seconds of thinking to decide something…
and today those 10 seconds made me write this.

Because how many thoughts can a person keep inside themselves?

There are so many battles I fight every single day —
from morning to evening,
and from evening till late night.

And the biggest battle is inside my own head.

“Stop it, Khush.
Enough thinking for today.
Stop. Stop. Stop.”

I tell myself this a hundred times.

But overthinking is strange.
Even after telling your mind to stop… it quietly starts again.

After my meeting today, while I was on the way back, my stomach started hurting badly.
By around 4 p.m., the pain had become so intense that it felt like my stomach was folding inside.

For a moment, I couldn’t think.
Couldn’t react.

I just held my head in my hands and whispered to myself,

“Bas… bas…”

And the reason?
Periods.

Honestly, I’ve never hated them the way some girls do.
I don’t fear them either.
In a strange way, I feel blessed when they come. It reminds me that my body is functioning the way Allah created it.

Once someone asked me,
“Do you have mood swings?”

Of course it was a boy. They’re always curious about this topic.

At that time, I said no.
Because back then, I only knew one emotion inside me — anger.

Being an aggressive person is not easy.

People see your harsh words, your loud reactions, your impulsive behavior.
But they rarely see the small, soft heart hidden inside.

And when people don’t understand you… it hurts in ways you can’t explain.

My aggression, my impulsive reactions — they have affected me deeply.
Slowly, they turned me into an overthinker.

And sometimes I miss the girl I used to be just a few months ago.

The cool, bindass girl who was curious about life.
Passionate about learning things.

Not just from books.

From life.

And while writing this, I suddenly realized something.

If I can study hard when a book chapter is difficult…
then why can’t I learn harder when life gives me a difficult chapter?

Maybe I can.

Maybe I will.

Today, after these past 2–3 months, I’ve finally accepted something about myself.

I am a proud woman who:

• has mood swings
• overthinks a lot
• sometimes makes wrong decisions
• keeps thinking even when her head hurts

But I’m still standing.

Sometimes it feels like I’m hurting myself with my own thoughts.
And honestly… I don’t always know what the next step should be.

But the positive side of me — the old Khush — keeps telling me:

“Forget the past. Find yourself again.”

And I’m trying.

Dear Allah,

You know me.
You know everything inside my heart — even the things I cannot explain.

I trust that You will do what is best for me.

Give me sabr.
Give me strength to work hard on myself.

And InshaAllah, during this Ramadan,
I will find myself again.

Ameen. 🤍