DAY 137:19-05-2026: Documenting for myself.

 

Date: 19-05-2026

Hii Guys 

Its 5:28 pm: Gmorning. Mai aaj pura din office mai soyi hu. 

(wrote 2 lines in my office and came back home.. Here's my writing continue  below)

Hii guys Welcome back to my another blog… 

… mai aaj 3 din ke baad likh rahi hu. Mera Sunday aur Monday aur can consider Saturday too. itna bura gaya ki shayad meri 22 years ki life ke worst days me se ek tha. Aaj raat ke 3:00 a.m. ho rahe hai… pura Mumbai so raha hoga, but meri aankhon me neend abhi bhi nahi hai.

Aaj mai royi. Bohot royi.I feel so lonely

Aur ajeeb baat pata hai? Mai woh insaan nahi hu jo har baat pe overthink kare. School aur college ke days ne mujhe strong banana sikhaya tha. Maine har situation ko chup rehkar handle kiya hai. Lekin iss baar… pata nahi kyun dil tootne ki awaaz andar tak chali gayi.

Shayad meri life me woh 2 log hi meri sabse badi weakness bane. Naam nahi bataungi…

Some years back…

Ek ladki hua karti thi — Khush.

Cool-chilled. Bindaas. Har situation ko smartly handle karne wali. Life uske against bhi jaati thi tab bhi woh hass leti thi. Mujhe woh version apna phir se chahiye.

Aur pata hai? Mujhe yakeen hai ek din woh ladki wapas aayegi.
One day soon, Inshallah. 🌙

Perfect nahi banna… bas phir se apni aankhon ki woh roshni wapas chahiye.

Aaj abbu ke ek action ne mujhe andar tak tod diya. Aisa laga jaise kuch zakham kabhi bharte hi nahi… unpe bas waqt ki mitti jam jaati hai.

Mai bhaag bhaag kar sabke liye present rehti hu. Ek side family. Ek side close ones. Ek side expectations. Aur end me khud ke liye sirf thakan bachti hai.

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai mai literally bheekh maang rahi hu — love ki, care ki, samajhne ki.

Aur sabse painful cheez pata hai?

Jin logo ke paas emotions hi nahi bache, woh kabhi samajh hi nahi sakte ki aap kis dard se guzarte ho.

Isliye please… kabhi uss insaan se mohabbat mat karna jo tumhari presence ko samjhe hi nahi. 

Aaj subah se sirf soch rahi hu… aur likhte likhte ek line dil se nikli:

“Aankhon me mere khwaab the… jo saare ke saare adhure reh gaye.
Meri jaan, tu itna bata — kya thi meri khata?
Tu itna bata , tu na sata… kar meri phir parwah.
Na ho mujhse juda… tu wapas aa sab pehle sa tha…”

Jo bhi yeh padh raha hai… honestly, yaha stop bhi kar sakta hai. Yeh blog kisi ke liye nahi likh rahi. Yeh sirf meri documentation hai… taki future me meri older self yeh padh kar samajh sake ki mai kitni toot gayi thi… aur phir bhi survive kar gayi.

Mujhe khud nahi pata mai itna kyun likh rahi hu. Shayad mann halka ho raha hai.

Shayad likhna hi meri therapy hai.

Aaj ek aur realization hua…

Meri life hard hai sirf dusro ki wajah se nahi. Kabhi kabhi meri khud ki wajah se bhi. Aur strange part yeh hai ki kabhi kabhi mujhe khud par proud bhi feel hota hai — because despite everything, mai abhi bhi soft hu. Abhi bhi logo ke liye dil rakhti hu.Same as I was

Aaj kaam karte karte maine phone uthaya aur notifications check kiye. Office group se mujhe remove kar diya gaya tha. Aur  thing? Mujhe yeh tak yaad nahi tha ki mera last date kab hai

But you know what?

Ab regret nahi karungi.

Jo log meri value nahi samjhe… unke peeche apna mental peace aur nahi khona.

Aur haan… aaj Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan ki qawwali baar baar dimag me chal rahi thi:

“log Gairon se zakham khaye hau, humne… apno ne diya hai.”

Aur sach me… kuch lines sirf suni nahi jaati, mehsoos hoti hai.

Itna sab negative likhne ke baad ek cheez zarur bolungi…

Allah ne mujhe duniya ke best log bhi diye hai. Mere friends… mere heart ke pieces hai. maine bohot logo se baat ki, but kuch 7–8 log aise hai jo meri soul ko genuinely sukoon dete hai.

Love you all. 🤍

Kabhi kabhi bas ek message,?” hi insaan ko zinda feel karwa deta hai. 

• Chandyaari

• sabeb

• Darling

• Aik

• Lilboy

• Nuh

• Dara

• and my baby la la

You all are the people who somehow make me feel positive every single time. Tum log ho isliye mai abhi bhi khud ko sambhal leti hu.

Ab mai kal raat se soyi nahi hu. Time ho raha hai 11:59 p.m… aur finally blog complete karke seedha sone jaungi.

Agar kal subah uthkar thoda better feel hua… toh shayad yeh proof hoga ki dil tootne ke baad bhi insaan jeeta rehta hai.

Goodnight. 🌙-Allah hafiz

-Allhumdulilah

-Safarnama